No, I don’t hate men. Sometimes I feel anger, and then I catch myself using sweeping generalizations, too. But no, I don’t have a general hatred of men.
I am mistrustful and cautious. I know there are bad men, but I know just as well that there are good men – and, statistically speaking, far more of them than bad ones.
I would even find it understandable myself if I had sworn off men in general and banished them from my life completely. But that wouldn’t be fair, and it wouldn’t be right either.
The guilt and the shame should go to the people who actually deserve them. Besides, there are also women who wrong children or abuse them.
The fact that I really have come across a number of men who treated me abusively, physically or emotionally, surely also has to do with how I was shaped. Over the course of my life I have experienced a whole range of encounters that fit into this pattern – and for that reason alone I could easily have ended up generalizing.
But fortunately I have also been given a strong sense of watchfulness and sensitivity. At least that is something they couldn’t take from me.
So I notice very quickly when the person in front of me is sending out certain signals. Of course I can’t prove it, nor do I want to, and I have never brought it up in a situation like that. But there are men who set off every alarm bell in me. With some it’s so clear that I feel I’m sensing something about them that I can’t name more precisely or prove. For me, that is then a reason to step back.
Whether I’m always right about it, I can’t know, of course. But I don’t have to know. My feeling is enough for me to decide that I want to keep my distance.
But there are also so many men – most of them, in fact – who don’t set off any alarms in me, where my intuition tells me that everything is fine.
And among my friends, too, there are men who are good people. Good to their wives and children.
I don’t think you should lump everyone together. You can be watchful and critical, yes.
I also believe men often don’t have it easy, because they are judged in advance – because of the news and the discussions about sexualized violence and the protection of women and girls that keep flaring up. These discussions are important. Very important, in fact.
When I think of the men I connect with my own painful experiences, I feel great anger. For me, my father and my grandfather are part of those experiences, too. But not all men are like that. That would be extremely unfair to the men I have met in my life. Good friends, good partners and listeners. Sensitive fathers and caring grandfathers. Missing experiences like these in my own family was painful for me.
Of course I have to tell my daughters about the possible dangers that lurk in the real world. Even though it’s hard, I don’t want to keep that from them. They may be cautious and question things. They may carry a healthy mistrust with them, but without losing themselves in a general fear of men.
That is sometimes hard to explain. Especially since they know – each in a way that suits her age – what happened to me.
The fact that there are men who cross boundaries or use violence is not easy, above all for the decent, ordinary men. But the ones responsible for that are not those who have had such experiences and sometimes call, very forcefully, for people to look.
Today a man may have to make more of an effort, prove himself more and show more patience when it comes to getting to know a woman and winning her trust. But in itself, perhaps not the worst thing – for either of them.
I don’t think men should be made into scapegoats just because there are men who cross boundaries or use violence.
You always have to differentiate and stay fair. Weigh things up. If you have a good measure of self-confidence and a natural intuition, then you can rely on that, too.
As I said: caution isn’t wrong. But fear would be a poor counselor.
Because when women develop a generalized fear of all men through experiences like these, the ones who really are dangerous at some point stand out less clearly from the crowd. Then it becomes harder to perceive concrete warning signs with discernment.
I don’t think we should do them that favor.
That’s why, in my opinion, it’s really important to look at the good men – the faithful, honest, respectful and caring ones – with far, far more attention than at those who cross boundaries or use violence.