Childhood memories I will never forget

Ever since my early childhood, I have remembered the feeling of fear when I lay in bed at night. I felt alone. I lay on my bed and looked through the dark shadows of my childhood bedroom.

I remember many nights when I saw hologram-like images floating in my room, huge and oversized. I saw my parents – happy, side by side, like in their wedding photo that hung in their bedroom.

I saw a basket in front of the door to the bathroom, which was right next to my room. Dark plumes of smoke rose from the basket and made their way down the hallway, from floor to ceiling – toward my parents’ bedroom. A black snake rose up out of the basket, like a snake charmer’s.

I couldn’t leave my bed on my own, even though I constantly felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I called for my mother loudly, again and again. I cried until she finally came to take me and calm me down. I didn’t really need to go anymore; I had already been several times, but I always had the feeling I needed to go again. These images, the crying, and the waiting repeated themselves for a long time – night after night.

In my memory, my father didn’t come to me in these situations. I also remember that there was arguing or trouble when my mother gave in to my calling. I have never forgotten these images, from the age of about four on. Another vivid memory from that time is the soldiers who patrolled beside my bed. In an endless row of semi-transparent men in helmets, all looking exactly the same, they marched along my bed.

I pressed my forehead against the cool Pumuckl wallpaper and pulled my legs up tight against my chest. I didn’t breathe, so the soldiers wouldn’t notice I was awake. I learned early on to breathe without making a sound.

I was afraid and alone. These images have been with me for years, and throughout my whole development, right up to today, they keep catching up with me now and then.

♥